Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize