Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
