why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
