If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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