i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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