so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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