I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize