First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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