after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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