He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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