Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
