This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize