I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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