I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
