This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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