Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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