i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize