Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm passing your future prison.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
