Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
