Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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