I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize