Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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