apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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