bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
