you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
