life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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