Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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