There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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