fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
