24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
