Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
