i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
