I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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