Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize