Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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