I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This baby is an asshole
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
