D3 body, D1 cock
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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