so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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