Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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