If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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