Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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