We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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