he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
