FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
