Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
