I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
