somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
