Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize