So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
