I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
