Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
