a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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