Four minutes until I can fart!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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