I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
