so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
