How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
