I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
