You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
