After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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