He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just puked most of my soul out..
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