my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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