I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize