I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
