I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
nutella sex= disaster
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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