woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
