The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
